Dear Penthouse,
Hi!
How are you?
I am fine, thanks for asking.
This is my third time writing you, my second time placing said letter into envelope and my first time actually putting it into the mailbox!
Email?
What's that?
Anyways, I am sitting here, at 8:08 pm on October 2nd, 2018, the laptop is in my lap and you know what is on my mind!
Playing a game of Hello Kitty Adventure Island!!
Yay!!
Sex?
Mama told me sex leads to all kinds of problems, like anal bleeding and warts, who needs that!!!
I imagine sex feels like rubbing your pee pee with sand paper and then throwing some vinegar on it.
My Uncle Clint, he lost his penis to sex.
He was just laying there minding his own business.
In a woman's bed that wasn't his wife.
Aunt Tilda storms in, breaking down the door and shoots old Uncle Clint in the penis, straight as a bird flies sober, like my mama says.
And the doc, old Doc Smith, just couldn't save it, Aunt Tilda used some buck shoot, done split the pee pee ten times to Sunday.
That's when I learned that a man's penis is very sacred to him cause old Uncle Clint just started crying and sobbing when Doc told him, WE CAN'T SAVE YOUR WILLY WHACKER!!!
So anyways, it ain't too bad being a virgin at 49.
Mama says I'd be a horrible daddy anyways.
Anyways, that's my letter, hope you like it,
Your friend in Jesus,
Hank
